i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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