i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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