Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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