Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
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If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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