i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
