I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
too bad you live with your parents still
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
