onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize