i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
