Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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