what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
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Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
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I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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