I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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