By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
