I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
