So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
