I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
