In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
