I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
