I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
