god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Soap is not a condiment
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
