the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
How external is "for external use only"?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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