i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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