I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
