My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
