took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
