She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
