I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
