too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Less talking, more tequila
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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