I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
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We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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