I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
