Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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