dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
