so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
