I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
