I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
