My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
