i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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