white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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