Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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