Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
