you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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