Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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