i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
