Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
