You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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