Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
