My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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