Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
