a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
