his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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