She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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