Umm I'm too high to move.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
