I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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