things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I will be naked everywhere
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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